Girl masturbating using running water

Question. I am a 21-year-old girl. I masturbate using running water. I am getting married in December. Will my husband find out about my habit? Will this make my vagina loose? Please reply.

Answer. This is deeply impressive, how do you run water? I think you should do a sex film on this.

More impressive is that you are in India and you have running water. This isn't a tubewell running water, is it? In which case, it will be even more impressive.

Your husband will only find out if he goes running with you. Or jogging. or bathing.

Will this make your vagina loose? no, but it will make it wet, so your husband will be happy.

But have you considered the environment in masturbating to running water? surely that is so wasteful…

How to avoid hair during oral sex?

Q: My question is, I always like to suck on my girlfriend's vagina, but when I saw that place it is full of hair. Ii told her to shave but she is not doing it. If I see hair there, my mind will be upset and I get angry on her.

One more thing is that, she is having huge boobs. She wants to reduce it because she is already very fat and she wants to reduce her weight also.

Kindly advice us in this regard.

 

A: Leave the damn boobs alone, you silly man, breast reduction is a crime against humanity.

But for the pubic hair, set fire to it and immediately follow it up with some daal on it to stop it burning the skin. You can then have a high protein hairless meal while at it.

My wife libido is low – how do I change her?

Q: I am a regular guy of 40 years. My wife is a regular too of the same age, But my problem is that she never gets excited for sex. Everytime I ask for sex, she consents but she has to masturbate before she gets excited and let me fuck her. Is this bad? I find it boring and unrewarding. I want to change this.

Can readers suggest me how to change her?

A: That’s because you are asking her for sex, do babu’s get excited if one of the applicants wants to have a licence? No, you need to do something exciting. Shave your head and ask her if you look like a dickhead. Hang rasgullas from your ears and ask if you can eat her out while she is pressing her thighs on your ears. Dont forget to put in a rubber sheet.

If everything else fails, buy a melon

I penetrated but did not ejaculate inside my girlfriend’s vagina – is there any chance of pregnancy?

Q: I'm a 21 year old unmarried guy. While having oral sex with my girlfriend, I inserted my penis to about one inch inside her vagina, that too just for a minute or so. The doubt is that I masturbated around 20-21 hours before this act and had not washed my penis. Is there any chance that she could get pregnant? We both regretted later to do this irresponsible act and promised to each other to use protection next time.

But for this time what should we do? Does she need to consume a contraceptive pill such as I-pill or unwanted-72?. Also I noticed some white sticky liquid around her vagina. What was that?

Kindly help. Thank you.

A: Is that because your penis is just 1 inch long? then you dont have to worry about pregnancy, my friend, you have bigger things (or should that be smaller things) to worry about.

The fact that you didn't wash your penis is not a problem, get your girlfriend checked for mould and moss

The white sticky liquid is tippex, your girlfriend is trying to erase all signs that you were there.

My testicles have become loose after joining gym – what do I do?

I am a great fan of yours. My age is 22. I am single. My marriage is being fixed shortly. I have a big problem.

1) I joined ZYM Gym at the age of 17. My gym instructor, my friends keep telling me if I would not wear a supporter, then water will be filled in my testicles and they will be in hanging position soon and believe me the same just happened to me. I think due to this (my testicals are hanging), I am not being able to hold my ejaculation for even 2 minutes.

Please give an answer to me and clear my doubt. Its very urgent maam. I hope you will understand my feelings.

2) I started masturbating at the age of 12. Now I have a very small 4.5 inch penis with 1 minute ejaculation time.

Please help me to improve this thing as my marriage is soon.

 

A:

1. pack chalk around your testicles. Chuna if you prefer it in hindi. then strap a langot over it. Chalk is hygroscopic, it absorbs water, that should help in removal of the water. You could also bathe the testicles in hot sand but use good quality utensils for this.

2. Stop twisting, start pulling.

Masturbation and my foreskin worries me – what do I do?

Q: This is Rak from Chennai. I have something to share with you and know what best can be done.

To start off with, I am a 25 year old guy with a heavy built and I have been wanking since I was in the 6th standard. As a result:

1- My penis is only 4 inches now.

2- I am unable to push down my foreskin when I have a hard on.

3- If I push my foreskin down when my penis is small and then start wanking, I am unable to come.

I know not what to do and to add more worries, my parents want me to get married in the next 6 months. What do I do now? Please help me aunty.

A:Answer is simple, get married to a woman who is less than 4 feet in height, you should be ok then. And keep on pulling the pud, if you stop it, the pressure will build up and either you will explode or your wife will.

Final answer: If you are unable to come after pushing your foreskin down then that means that the Penis god is upset with you. Enough said. Dont push the foreskin down.

How to stop the spread of pimples on my butt?

Q: I am 5'7" tall, 25 years old and unmarried. I am slightly obese but controlling my weight for quite some time. Two years back I had a couple of pimples on my butt. I neglected it then thinking it was natural and it will fade away. But it has spread very badly all over my butt. I fear it may spread onto my back also. This has caused a high inferiority complex in me. I am too shy to even visit a doctor.

Kindly suggest the right ointment for this as I don't want to see a doctor. Will this spreading stop over a period of time. What is the reason for getting pimples on the butt?

A: sandpaper for the pimples. if that is not convenient, rub up against a lamp post, concrete ones are best. If you fail to find a convenient one, try one of the flyover columns. Just a word of warning, avoid the ones which have been used by buffalos and cows.

If you want to use an ointment, then I suggest Chavanprash. I know people eat it, but you need to feed your skin, spreading chavanparash over the pimples will make them shrivel up and drop off. Avoid getting chavanparash on your willy.

My friend masturbates 7 to 8 times a day – how do I counsel him?

Q: One of my friend is a sex addict. He is 23 years old and is pursuing graduation. He watches porn and then masturbates in the room. He does it 7 to 8 times and says he does not feel weakness or fatigue. I know he is a sex addict and I want to help him.Please tell if this is normal or bad? Also help me finding a solution for him.

A: he is not a sex addict, he is actually suffering from a medical condition called as ihavejustreaslisedthatiam23yearsofageanddonthaveagf. This manifests itself in severely enhanced sperm production and a major pressure on his testicles. This condition can either be fixed by banging his head on a brick wall or masturbating. You pick.

Also, why do you want to help him? How many times are you masturbating? Or are you in the room while he is masturbating? Or are you helping him masturbate? How do you know that he masturbates 7-8 times?

How do I end my husband’s nephew’s demand for my milk?

Q: I am a mother of two kids and still nursing my younger one. My husband's nephew who is 20 years old had requested me once to allow him to taste my breast milk. I let him taste. Since then he has made it a regular practice to have my breast milk whenever we are alone. How long should I allow him to continue to drink my breast milk? I have tried to stop him many times but he demands I breast feed him.

Please advise.

A: Of course you should continue giving him breast milk, it is a good high protein diet. Why would you stop? that’s very cruel of you.

He must be stressed as well, have a think about giving him a wank at the same time.

I am smart and attractive – how do I get a girlfriend?

I am a 22 year old boy. I am very smart and fair and when I go any where, girls and ladies looking me but I don't have any girlfriend and I even work in which company where there are no girls but there are some ladies and they likes me a lot.

So what can I do to get a good girlfriend? I am the network security engineer. So there is no girl in our field.

A: have you considered becoming a milkman? milkmen go about delivering milk to homes, and is usually received by women. You will get to meet loads of them.

I am not able to penetrate my wife – please help!

Q: My name is Nayan Bora. I am from Assam. My age is 27 years. Recently I got married with just an 18 year old girl. During several attempts of intercourse with her, I am unable to penetrate her. I come as soon as I put my penis into her pussy. I don't know what to do. She is not happy with me at all. Even I feel embarrassed. It has been three months of our marriage.

So please Aunty, guide on me how to penetrate my wife.

A: divorce her, marry a watermelon

How do I make my girlfriend a virgin again?

My name is Sam. I am from Punjab. I am 27 years old and my girlfriend is 25.

We have been in love and in a physical relation for the past 5 years. Now due to some unavoidable circumstances, we are unable to marry each other. Now she is worried about her vagina as what is going to happen after her marriage. She does not want to reveal to her husband that she ever had sex.

1. How can we tight her vagina except the kegel exercise? Is there any medicine to eat or apply as a cream to tighten the vagina that is readily available in Indian market?

2. Is there any surgical procedure to restore the hymen?

3. Is there any procedure to fake the hymen like artificial hymen etc.

Please reply so that we can act upon it as soon as possible.

A: have you tried pouring lemon juice over the bagina and then drying it in the sun? direct sunlight on mild acid has a puckering up effect on skin. Minimum of 20 minutes a session for 3 sessions per day should do it.

Can I masturbate with a carrot in my ass?

Q: I am a 23 year old guy working in a good software company. I use to watch a lot of porn movies. I used to masturbate a lot. But recently I inserted a carrot in my ass and tries to masturbate. Will there be any problems if I use these carrots? Will there be any health related side effects?

Thank you.

A: You can definitely use carrots but carrots are really not recommended as an ass object. Karelas are better because of their ribbed skin.

But “look” on the bright side, carrots are good for eyesight. Carrrots up your ass will mean that you can then start seeing out of your ass. Better aiming in the loo anyway

How to come up with my fantasy of school uniform girls?

I am a 27 year old male. I am married since past 3 years. I have a small shop in front of Girl’s School in Dhaka, Bangladesh. All the time watching school girls wearing there lovely uniform like blue kamiz, white salvar and white cross belt I have developed several fantasies about girls in tight and sexy uniforms. When I see them in their school uniform it really turns me on, I love girls in there tight and short uniform. I have deep fantasies of having sex with a girl who wears school uniform I fantasies about girl striping there uniform seducing me and I am making hardcore sex with them.

I haven’t done anything in real to be honest I don’t even have courage to do anything sexually with them.

I have a beautiful and hot looking wife. Recently I started fantasizing my wife in school uniform and tried to make my dream come true with my lovely wife. For that reason I gave my wife different type of school and collage uniform which I like most. All uniforms are too tight and look very sexy. I want my fantasy to be true of having sex with uniform wearing girl with my wife. But the problem is my wife feels shy to wear school uniform because they are very tight and looks sexy and my wife’s breasts size is 38 inches. It appears larger in tight uniforms. Even she feels shy to strip in front of me and wearing uniform.

So,my question is how shall I convince her to wear those uniforms and strip in front of me. If my approach is wrong that making my dreams come true with my wife how shoul I get rid of these sexual thoughts about school girls in uniform.

Please aunty help me out.

 

A: burn her clothes, become a tailor, sew in itching powder into her clothes, sit back and enjoy.

To get rid of those sexual thoughts, think of the school kids carrying out dissection on your gonads with their protractors and compasses. And rusted shaving blades.

Husband likes pubic hair and hairy armpits

Question. I am a 28-year old housewife. My husband likes my pubic hair and hairy armpits. During sex, he likes to caress them and not my face. Is this behaviour peculiar of my husband or do all men like this? I don't have a problem but they're a bother during summer as he doesn't like me shaving or trimming them. Please advise.

A: Perhaps the reason why he prefers to caress your pubes and armpits over your face is because you have more hair on your face?

If not, then I suggest you braid them during summer, will reduce the sweat generation during summer. You could also learn to twirl them around like fans. See this link for how to twirl tassels, same concept for you.

Why is one of my testicles lower than the other?

Q: I am a 19 years old guy. I want to ask that my left testicle is slightly lower and behind the right one – is it normal? Will it create any problem in the future while having intercourse or anything like that. Also the area around my penis on thighs and buttocks has turned dark because of itching. It looks like dead skin. What ointment should I apply to get rid of it. I used itch guard/ring guard for a while, but didn't prove to be much effective

Kindly advise. Thank you.

A: Lets take this one by one.

The problem with your testicles is a balancing issue. You see, when you are walking about, your balls are resting on the crotch of your jeans. the fact that one is lower and behind the right one means that your ball balancing skills need to be enhanced. Next time you wear a pair of jeans or trousers, see how the balls are placed. You will see that the left testicle is not in balance with the right  one. To fix this, you need to train your testicles. Best is to use duct tape on your left testicle. Tape them to your buttocks and try not to hop.

If you are disbalanced in your testicles, yes, it will have an impact on your lovemaking and intercourse. You might find that women complain about cellulite, that’s pockmarks and dips in their back of their thighs and buttocks. Those are caused by the gonads hitting them when making love. If you have disbalanced testicles, then your poor girlfriend will have unsymmetrical cellulite. Also having disbalanced testicles will mean that her right side of the vagina will get disproportionately rubbed, not good for marital relations. Would you like it if your wife cooks your brinjal only on the left side?

Finally, the dead skin is because you are shagging a black goat, replace with a white goat. Also apply fair and lovely, all problems will be solved.

How do we know if a guy is a virgin?

Q: How are you? I am a young woman and I have been visiting your site for quite some time. Yesterday when I was going through your site a thought came up to my mind. I have seen many women asking you questions with regards to being caught. I mean to say that they are afraid that their husband will know that they are not virgins.

My question is quite the opposite. is there any way by which a women can know if her boyfriend is a virgin?

Answer: These are the symptoms of a virgin boy

• plastic wrap on his penis
• shreds of cardboard on his gonad sack
• eyes move out on stalks as soon as the first glimpse of breasts happen
• boy starts doing a fair approximation of a laryngitic llama as soon as you touch his willy, over his jeans
• he wrings instead of shaking his willy after a pee
• he is Indian
• He starts humping his arse by the time his willy is approaching your toes going up
• He will be happy to hump your toes
• He looks like he was shagged by a rampant elephant after the first time
• He looks terrified
• After he exposes his willy to you, say that you are now pregnant. If he jumps up and goes pale, he is a virgin.
• As his mother if he is a virgin
• Ask his office colleague if he can arrange to help virgin boy lose his virginity with a goat. And see reaction.

Where do I get sex toys in Delhi?

I am a 29 year old married male. My wife and I both enjoy experimentation. I want to try out vibrators and other sex toys.

Could you guide me as in where to get them from in Delhi? Are they illegal?

Answer: No, they are not illegal, sex toys are registered under the small and medium scale enterprises act of 1965 and are available at Khadi Gramudyog. Some various state emporiums on baba kharak singh marg might also carry them.

ask for authentic miniatures, as this is the code-name they use to prevent embarrassment

Why do you think that the farmers have bigger willies than urban folks? Hence sex toys made in tribal and rural lands are better.

My fiancée gets wet soon – is it ok?

Question: I am a guy of 30 years and unmarried till now. I am going to get married to my fiancée in about 4 months from now. We have been meeting regularly now and have been involved in some foreplay like hugging, kissing, love bites etc.

Recently when I advanced a little bit and let my finger inside her jeans, I felt that her panties was wet. She tells me that she is wet whenever she gets to meet me and it happens only when she is with me. It is a sticky fluid – is it OK to be like this?

Please clarify my doubts.

Answer:

you frighten the pee out of her, you horrible mean man. So next time you want to insert fingers, please start laughing loudly and make funny faces at her. You might also want to hop like a monkey while crossing your eyes and make gargling noises. The stickiness of the liquid is normal, unmarried women’s liquids are sticky, its when they are married that the liquid turns into WD40 and you can use it to lubricate your gears and hinges.

Can't have extra-marital sex due to fear

Question: I am Raj, aged 34 years, married with a happy sex life. I am having an affair with an aunty aged 32 years. We had sex 2 or 3 times with condoms doubled. Since the last 1 year, whenever we met, I am unable to have sex with her due to some sort of fear in her mind, as she is very much close to me. I also tested my blood 2 or 3 times,all tests were negative.

Is it 100% safe to do sex with condoms double/triple with the above said partner?

Answer:

I don't blame you one bit, Raj. I blame the condom manufacturing companies who use lies to influence people like you. You saw those ads saying "Ribbed for her pleasure" and being the tender lover that you are, you assumed that 2-3 condoms would double or triple her pleasure, right?

And just look at the side-effects. It's well-established in the medical community that men have brains and penises, but can sustain blood flow to only one of those at a time. What's happened is that the multiple condoms you used have constricted blood flow to such an extent that even when you're not having sex, the blood is staying near your member, preventing your brain from thinking clearly. The symptoms are clear: your mind is filled with fear, and you're referring to a 32-year-old lady as "aunty".

My first suggestion would be to sue the condom company for misleading advertising so they can't do this to other innocent consumers.

Next, you need to get the blood flowing back to your brain. For this, I recommend finding a picture of your grandma or a really old aunt, and then try to masturbate. A few sessions of this, and your normal penis state will be restored. The mind will be free of the fear of sex with your partner, and you will long to have proper sex again.

(As a woman, I recommend staying away from the "ribbed" condoms. They feel like my insides are being exfoliated.)

60 year old man finds wife inert

Question. I am a 60 year old man and sexually active. I enjoy intercourse once a week. However, my 55-year-old wife is a bit inert. Our sex is sometimes purely one-sided which I don’t like. I want her active participation. Considering my age, I cannot establish relationships outside marriage. I don’t think my wife would be ready to seek medication. What do I do? Kindly advise.

Answer:

The traditional answer to that is to climb on board and ask her about her sister’s bottom. The resultant bucking once promised much non-inertness. But this is mainly a one shot wonder and the chances of you getting it again will be pretty low. So try to mumble. And then you run the risk of your wife agreeing to it and your sister in law being 80 years of age.

Have you thought about introducing a finely judged amount of itching powder in strategic places? that should get some movement going.

You could also criticise her cooking during intercourse and offer suggestions on how to do tarka daal or any dish which requires lots of movement. This promises to elicit movement.

You also must be quite fat and doing the missionary position only. With that weight, I am not surprised she isnt moving. Switch positions with her being on top. The advantage is that you can read a book by propping it on her breasts while she does a cowboy on you.

Finally, if nothing works, attach two bungee cords to her ankles and to the bedposts, the bouncing should provide movement.

Boyfriends behaviour changed after marriage

Question. I am 25 years old. I recently got married to my boyfriend who I went around with for four years. It's only been three months to our marriage, but his behaviour has changed. Before marriage, we didn't have sex, but the intimacy was there, but it has only changed for the worse. We rarely have sex. He is quite lazy and prefers to lie on his back, while I get the job done. There is no foreplay. He does not even bother removing his clothes. I know he used to masturbate before marriage. Is it plain laziness? I have tried talking to him, but nothing seems to help.

A: He is obviously concerned about the global warming effects of sex and un-necessary movement. After all, the actual intercourse act does not require both parties to move.

Plus he is lying back and thinking about India and weightier matters such as the Indian fiscal deficit, state of infrastructure in Arunachal Pradesh.

Removing clothes? that’ not a bad thing at all. He can therefore be the person who goes to open the door when there is coitus interruptus.

You are obviously complaining too much, your husband is clearly a thoughtful, energy efficient and good man. Have you considered going on a diet?

I have made my girlfriend’s breasts size uneven – what do we do now?

Q: We are a young couple. I and my girlfriend are in a relationship for the past few months. We have sex very often. I like sucking and pressing her breast. I used to press her right breast a lot than the left one. Now both the breast sizes have increased but the right breast is larger in size now. She gets annoyed when she wears a top which makes it easily visible that her right breast is larger. What to do next? Should we consult a doctor. Help me.

A: You have several options:

• Hire a left handed person to press her left breast all the time, it should balance out.
• Breast size increases when you blow into the nipple, think of balloons, you are obviously not blowing hard enough on the left hand side. So blow harder.
• The problem seems to be the top. Ask her not to wear the top, I can pretty much guarantee that nobody will mention anything about the different sizes.
• Have you thought about the possibility that you are actually sleeping on her right breast during the night and therefore squishing and elongating it? Dont, or switch positions in bed.

I want to lose virginity for avoiding any pain in first time sex – what to do?

Q: I am a 27 year old virgin dude. I want to get rid of the skin (foreskin) attached to my penis. It pains when I do handjob. Also I don't want any pain when I will have my first sex. What should I do? Regards

A: Train your penis by wrapping your hand with sandpaper while doing handjob. It will kill 2 birds with one stone, it will train your penis to withstand pain and will abrade the foreskin off.

But since you are a virgin dude of 27 years of age, I suggest you consider investing in a sheep. and rubber boots. and go to a cliff.

Is coconut oil a good and safe lubricant?

Q: This is Venkat a 29 year old, married one year back. I use coconut oil as a lubricant when I make love to my wife, with out lubrication it has become difficult for us to have sex. I would like to know how safe is it to use coconut oil. Will this prevent sperm from getting into the vagina and prevent pregnancy. Please let me know what would be a better lubricant to use which does not cause any side affects and does not prevent pregnancy.

Answer: Coconut oil is very unsafe for sex. Prolonged use of coconut oil will make your willy head look like a coconut, with a hard shell and hair growing out of it. Castrol Alpha OGL is good. See the blurb here:

High viscosity lubricant specifically formulated to provide complete lubrication where exposed gears are subjected to extreme loads and shock.

Castrol Alpha OGL is a strong-film, heavy metal free lubricant designed to provide economical performance throughout its service life. Castrol Alpha OGL combined with Castrol engineering support goes beyond low initial cost to continue to provide savings through optimized lubricant consumption

Advantages

• Excellent resistance to being rubbed or squeezed from between tooth profiles

• Strong, thick film under operating conditions protects gears against wear, extends component life

• Excellent load carrying capacity protects against extreme loads and shocks; helps minimize gear tooth wear, extends component life

• Film stays on gears assuring continuous gear tooth lubrication while reducing consumption

• Conventional lubricators are appropriate for lubrication control; Solid-free product does not plug dispensing or spraying systems; Product spreads evenly on gear tooth for immediate protection Product maintains flowability, even after service

If you ARE still interested in coconuts, then I suggest you eat the coconuts instead of having sex with your wife. Or better still, you can have sex with a coconut, there you can use coconut oil.

Some also suggest Iodex, but the jury is still out (or is it in) for that one

What do we do to avoid pain on our first sexual encounter?

Q: I am Kiran and I am 22 years old. I have a girlfriend who is also of the same age. We are both virgins and want to have sex. My girlfriend has asked me to get her completely drunk so she could bear the pain during our first encounter.  I do not have any idea if this is a good idea or if there is anything else we may need to know before having sex. Please guide us.

A: Another way of taking your girlfriend’s mind off the pain is to start making love and say that you like her mother’s breasts or her sister’s bottom. I can pretty much guarantee that her mind will be completely off her hymen rupture pain.

You could also drink and forget about the sex. In the long run, the drinking will be more frequent than the sex anyway.