Can I masturbate with a carrot in my ass?

Q: I am a 23 year old guy working in a good software company. I use to watch a lot of porn movies. I used to masturbate a lot. But recently I inserted a carrot in my ass and tries to masturbate. Will there be any problems if I use these carrots? Will there be any health related side effects?

Thank you.

A: You can definitely use carrots but carrots are really not recommended as an ass object. Karelas are better because of their ribbed skin.

But “look” on the bright side, carrots are good for eyesight. Carrrots up your ass will mean that you can then start seeing out of your ass. Better aiming in the loo anyway

How to come up with my fantasy of school uniform girls?

I am a 27 year old male. I am married since past 3 years. I have a small shop in front of Girl’s School in Dhaka, Bangladesh. All the time watching school girls wearing there lovely uniform like blue kamiz, white salvar and white cross belt I have developed several fantasies about girls in tight and sexy uniforms. When I see them in their school uniform it really turns me on, I love girls in there tight and short uniform. I have deep fantasies of having sex with a girl who wears school uniform I fantasies about girl striping there uniform seducing me and I am making hardcore sex with them.

I haven’t done anything in real to be honest I don’t even have courage to do anything sexually with them.

I have a beautiful and hot looking wife. Recently I started fantasizing my wife in school uniform and tried to make my dream come true with my lovely wife. For that reason I gave my wife different type of school and collage uniform which I like most. All uniforms are too tight and look very sexy. I want my fantasy to be true of having sex with uniform wearing girl with my wife. But the problem is my wife feels shy to wear school uniform because they are very tight and looks sexy and my wife’s breasts size is 38 inches. It appears larger in tight uniforms. Even she feels shy to strip in front of me and wearing uniform.

So,my question is how shall I convince her to wear those uniforms and strip in front of me. If my approach is wrong that making my dreams come true with my wife how shoul I get rid of these sexual thoughts about school girls in uniform.

Please aunty help me out.

 

A: burn her clothes, become a tailor, sew in itching powder into her clothes, sit back and enjoy.

To get rid of those sexual thoughts, think of the school kids carrying out dissection on your gonads with their protractors and compasses. And rusted shaving blades.

Husband likes pubic hair and hairy armpits

Question. I am a 28-year old housewife. My husband likes my pubic hair and hairy armpits. During sex, he likes to caress them and not my face. Is this behaviour peculiar of my husband or do all men like this? I don't have a problem but they're a bother during summer as he doesn't like me shaving or trimming them. Please advise.

A: Perhaps the reason why he prefers to caress your pubes and armpits over your face is because you have more hair on your face?

If not, then I suggest you braid them during summer, will reduce the sweat generation during summer. You could also learn to twirl them around like fans. See this link for how to twirl tassels, same concept for you.

Why is one of my testicles lower than the other?

Q: I am a 19 years old guy. I want to ask that my left testicle is slightly lower and behind the right one – is it normal? Will it create any problem in the future while having intercourse or anything like that. Also the area around my penis on thighs and buttocks has turned dark because of itching. It looks like dead skin. What ointment should I apply to get rid of it. I used itch guard/ring guard for a while, but didn't prove to be much effective

Kindly advise. Thank you.

A: Lets take this one by one.

The problem with your testicles is a balancing issue. You see, when you are walking about, your balls are resting on the crotch of your jeans. the fact that one is lower and behind the right one means that your ball balancing skills need to be enhanced. Next time you wear a pair of jeans or trousers, see how the balls are placed. You will see that the left testicle is not in balance with the right  one. To fix this, you need to train your testicles. Best is to use duct tape on your left testicle. Tape them to your buttocks and try not to hop.

If you are disbalanced in your testicles, yes, it will have an impact on your lovemaking and intercourse. You might find that women complain about cellulite, that’s pockmarks and dips in their back of their thighs and buttocks. Those are caused by the gonads hitting them when making love. If you have disbalanced testicles, then your poor girlfriend will have unsymmetrical cellulite. Also having disbalanced testicles will mean that her right side of the vagina will get disproportionately rubbed, not good for marital relations. Would you like it if your wife cooks your brinjal only on the left side?

Finally, the dead skin is because you are shagging a black goat, replace with a white goat. Also apply fair and lovely, all problems will be solved.

How do we know if a guy is a virgin?

Q: How are you? I am a young woman and I have been visiting your site for quite some time. Yesterday when I was going through your site a thought came up to my mind. I have seen many women asking you questions with regards to being caught. I mean to say that they are afraid that their husband will know that they are not virgins.

My question is quite the opposite. is there any way by which a women can know if her boyfriend is a virgin?

Answer: These are the symptoms of a virgin boy

• plastic wrap on his penis
• shreds of cardboard on his gonad sack
• eyes move out on stalks as soon as the first glimpse of breasts happen
• boy starts doing a fair approximation of a laryngitic llama as soon as you touch his willy, over his jeans
• he wrings instead of shaking his willy after a pee
• he is Indian
• He starts humping his arse by the time his willy is approaching your toes going up
• He will be happy to hump your toes
• He looks like he was shagged by a rampant elephant after the first time
• He looks terrified
• After he exposes his willy to you, say that you are now pregnant. If he jumps up and goes pale, he is a virgin.
• As his mother if he is a virgin
• Ask his office colleague if he can arrange to help virgin boy lose his virginity with a goat. And see reaction.

Where do I get sex toys in Delhi?

I am a 29 year old married male. My wife and I both enjoy experimentation. I want to try out vibrators and other sex toys.

Could you guide me as in where to get them from in Delhi? Are they illegal?

Answer: No, they are not illegal, sex toys are registered under the small and medium scale enterprises act of 1965 and are available at Khadi Gramudyog. Some various state emporiums on baba kharak singh marg might also carry them.

ask for authentic miniatures, as this is the code-name they use to prevent embarrassment

Why do you think that the farmers have bigger willies than urban folks? Hence sex toys made in tribal and rural lands are better.

My fiancée gets wet soon – is it ok?

Question: I am a guy of 30 years and unmarried till now. I am going to get married to my fiancée in about 4 months from now. We have been meeting regularly now and have been involved in some foreplay like hugging, kissing, love bites etc.

Recently when I advanced a little bit and let my finger inside her jeans, I felt that her panties was wet. She tells me that she is wet whenever she gets to meet me and it happens only when she is with me. It is a sticky fluid – is it OK to be like this?

Please clarify my doubts.

Answer:

you frighten the pee out of her, you horrible mean man. So next time you want to insert fingers, please start laughing loudly and make funny faces at her. You might also want to hop like a monkey while crossing your eyes and make gargling noises. The stickiness of the liquid is normal, unmarried women’s liquids are sticky, its when they are married that the liquid turns into WD40 and you can use it to lubricate your gears and hinges.