Can't have extra-marital sex due to fear

Question: I am Raj, aged 34 years, married with a happy sex life. I am having an affair with an aunty aged 32 years. We had sex 2 or 3 times with condoms doubled. Since the last 1 year, whenever we met, I am unable to have sex with her due to some sort of fear in her mind, as she is very much close to me. I also tested my blood 2 or 3 times,all tests were negative.

Is it 100% safe to do sex with condoms double/triple with the above said partner?

Answer:

I don't blame you one bit, Raj. I blame the condom manufacturing companies who use lies to influence people like you. You saw those ads saying "Ribbed for her pleasure" and being the tender lover that you are, you assumed that 2-3 condoms would double or triple her pleasure, right?

And just look at the side-effects. It's well-established in the medical community that men have brains and penises, but can sustain blood flow to only one of those at a time. What's happened is that the multiple condoms you used have constricted blood flow to such an extent that even when you're not having sex, the blood is staying near your member, preventing your brain from thinking clearly. The symptoms are clear: your mind is filled with fear, and you're referring to a 32-year-old lady as "aunty".

My first suggestion would be to sue the condom company for misleading advertising so they can't do this to other innocent consumers.

Next, you need to get the blood flowing back to your brain. For this, I recommend finding a picture of your grandma or a really old aunt, and then try to masturbate. A few sessions of this, and your normal penis state will be restored. The mind will be free of the fear of sex with your partner, and you will long to have proper sex again.

(As a woman, I recommend staying away from the "ribbed" condoms. They feel like my insides are being exfoliated.)

60 year old man finds wife inert

Question. I am a 60 year old man and sexually active. I enjoy intercourse once a week. However, my 55-year-old wife is a bit inert. Our sex is sometimes purely one-sided which I don’t like. I want her active participation. Considering my age, I cannot establish relationships outside marriage. I don’t think my wife would be ready to seek medication. What do I do? Kindly advise.

Answer:

The traditional answer to that is to climb on board and ask her about her sister’s bottom. The resultant bucking once promised much non-inertness. But this is mainly a one shot wonder and the chances of you getting it again will be pretty low. So try to mumble. And then you run the risk of your wife agreeing to it and your sister in law being 80 years of age.

Have you thought about introducing a finely judged amount of itching powder in strategic places? that should get some movement going.

You could also criticise her cooking during intercourse and offer suggestions on how to do tarka daal or any dish which requires lots of movement. This promises to elicit movement.

You also must be quite fat and doing the missionary position only. With that weight, I am not surprised she isnt moving. Switch positions with her being on top. The advantage is that you can read a book by propping it on her breasts while she does a cowboy on you.

Finally, if nothing works, attach two bungee cords to her ankles and to the bedposts, the bouncing should provide movement.

Boyfriends behaviour changed after marriage

Question. I am 25 years old. I recently got married to my boyfriend who I went around with for four years. It's only been three months to our marriage, but his behaviour has changed. Before marriage, we didn't have sex, but the intimacy was there, but it has only changed for the worse. We rarely have sex. He is quite lazy and prefers to lie on his back, while I get the job done. There is no foreplay. He does not even bother removing his clothes. I know he used to masturbate before marriage. Is it plain laziness? I have tried talking to him, but nothing seems to help.

A: He is obviously concerned about the global warming effects of sex and un-necessary movement. After all, the actual intercourse act does not require both parties to move.

Plus he is lying back and thinking about India and weightier matters such as the Indian fiscal deficit, state of infrastructure in Arunachal Pradesh.

Removing clothes? that’ not a bad thing at all. He can therefore be the person who goes to open the door when there is coitus interruptus.

You are obviously complaining too much, your husband is clearly a thoughtful, energy efficient and good man. Have you considered going on a diet?

I have made my girlfriend’s breasts size uneven – what do we do now?

Q: We are a young couple. I and my girlfriend are in a relationship for the past few months. We have sex very often. I like sucking and pressing her breast. I used to press her right breast a lot than the left one. Now both the breast sizes have increased but the right breast is larger in size now. She gets annoyed when she wears a top which makes it easily visible that her right breast is larger. What to do next? Should we consult a doctor. Help me.

A: You have several options:

• Hire a left handed person to press her left breast all the time, it should balance out.
• Breast size increases when you blow into the nipple, think of balloons, you are obviously not blowing hard enough on the left hand side. So blow harder.
• The problem seems to be the top. Ask her not to wear the top, I can pretty much guarantee that nobody will mention anything about the different sizes.
• Have you thought about the possibility that you are actually sleeping on her right breast during the night and therefore squishing and elongating it? Dont, or switch positions in bed.

I want to lose virginity for avoiding any pain in first time sex – what to do?

Q: I am a 27 year old virgin dude. I want to get rid of the skin (foreskin) attached to my penis. It pains when I do handjob. Also I don't want any pain when I will have my first sex. What should I do? Regards

A: Train your penis by wrapping your hand with sandpaper while doing handjob. It will kill 2 birds with one stone, it will train your penis to withstand pain and will abrade the foreskin off.

But since you are a virgin dude of 27 years of age, I suggest you consider investing in a sheep. and rubber boots. and go to a cliff.

Is coconut oil a good and safe lubricant?

Q: This is Venkat a 29 year old, married one year back. I use coconut oil as a lubricant when I make love to my wife, with out lubrication it has become difficult for us to have sex. I would like to know how safe is it to use coconut oil. Will this prevent sperm from getting into the vagina and prevent pregnancy. Please let me know what would be a better lubricant to use which does not cause any side affects and does not prevent pregnancy.

Answer: Coconut oil is very unsafe for sex. Prolonged use of coconut oil will make your willy head look like a coconut, with a hard shell and hair growing out of it. Castrol Alpha OGL is good. See the blurb here:

High viscosity lubricant specifically formulated to provide complete lubrication where exposed gears are subjected to extreme loads and shock.

Castrol Alpha OGL is a strong-film, heavy metal free lubricant designed to provide economical performance throughout its service life. Castrol Alpha OGL combined with Castrol engineering support goes beyond low initial cost to continue to provide savings through optimized lubricant consumption

Advantages

• Excellent resistance to being rubbed or squeezed from between tooth profiles

• Strong, thick film under operating conditions protects gears against wear, extends component life

• Excellent load carrying capacity protects against extreme loads and shocks; helps minimize gear tooth wear, extends component life

• Film stays on gears assuring continuous gear tooth lubrication while reducing consumption

• Conventional lubricators are appropriate for lubrication control; Solid-free product does not plug dispensing or spraying systems; Product spreads evenly on gear tooth for immediate protection Product maintains flowability, even after service

If you ARE still interested in coconuts, then I suggest you eat the coconuts instead of having sex with your wife. Or better still, you can have sex with a coconut, there you can use coconut oil.

Some also suggest Iodex, but the jury is still out (or is it in) for that one

What do we do to avoid pain on our first sexual encounter?

Q: I am Kiran and I am 22 years old. I have a girlfriend who is also of the same age. We are both virgins and want to have sex. My girlfriend has asked me to get her completely drunk so she could bear the pain during our first encounter.  I do not have any idea if this is a good idea or if there is anything else we may need to know before having sex. Please guide us.

A: Another way of taking your girlfriend’s mind off the pain is to start making love and say that you like her mother’s breasts or her sister’s bottom. I can pretty much guarantee that her mind will be completely off her hymen rupture pain.

You could also drink and forget about the sex. In the long run, the drinking will be more frequent than the sex anyway.